Stab Me Through With the Dullest Blade
by BrandNewWings
Summary: Hide is going down a road of self-destruction. Can someone save him in time? (Extreme trigger warning)


**_Stab Me Through With the Dullest Blade_**

* * *

 _Drip._

' _I don't want to do this anymore.'_

 _Drip-drop._

' _I don't want to feel anymore.'_

 _Splash-drip-drip-drip-drop._

' _I'm tired of my arms being itchy but hurt when I scratch them.'_

 _Rip-tear-dribble-dribble-splatter._

' _I wish I never started this.'_

' _I wish I never met him. I shouldn't have become his friend. He's ruined my life. I can't go back from this, and it's his entire fault.'_

 _Shatter-scream-drizzle-trickle-drip-drop_

' _I'll never forgive him. He's not the guy I knew. He's just a monster wearing my friend's face.'_

 _Tremble-tremble-shake-whimper-growl._

' _I hope he never comes back. I hope he ends up dead.'_

 _Gasp-scream-slice-splash_

' _No. He's no monster.'_

 _Slice-slice-slice-slice-slice-slice-carve._

' _I'm the monster. I'm the worst. To wish my best friend dead is such a disgrace. I, myself, deserve to die.'_

 _Silence-gasp._

' _God, please let me die. Judge me here and now. Crucify me, stone me, or stab me through with the dullest blade.'_

 _Carve-carve-carve-howl._

' _I'll never come back from this.'_

 _Slam._

* * *

 **Now**

* * *

"Go away, Hideyoshi. You always cause problems when you come in here. I don't need you ruining my bar's quality and name." The bartender orders as he cleans out a mug with a towel. The man looked bored.

"Eeeh?" A flushed faced Hide asks. The boy is obviously drunk. Hide sways and stumbles over nothing as he walks. Hiccups break almost every word from Hide's mouth. "I-I cause problems? Hahahaha may-be it's your bud-dies that are makin a big de-eal outta everthin!"

"Go home, kid." The bartender repeats a bit more annoyed than before.

"I don wan-na." Hide whines leaning against the counter. The scent of alcohol heavy in his breath. "It's not like anyone is wai-ting for me!" Even with the waste smile and slurring laugh, the darkness is evident in Hide's eyes. The bitterness that's being cultivated towards the world has been growing after each passing day.

"Not my problem, Hideyoshi." The man brushes off Hide's words like they're nothing. Hide would've been insulted, but the guy probably hears all sorts of sob stories from other customers. This is a bar after all.

"It's, Hide!" Hide corrects the bartender.

"Fine. _Hide_ , get out before I call the cops." The man says picking up the phone to make his point clear.

"Ma-ake me!" Hide challenges . It's not like he'll remember this anyways.

Strong hands grab Hide's shoulders and arms. A few men, who were listening to the argument, had enough of it. The three men, who looked like they were hardened by life, dragged Hide out of the bar and pushed him back.

"Do as he says and leave." One of the men orders, crossing his arms.

"Whatever." Hide staggers towards the three. Hide just gets pushed back again, almost falling to the ground.

"Go home to your empty house." Man number one says.

"No wonder your _boyfriend_ left you!" Man number three sneers.

Man number two takes a swig out of his half full beer bottle and walks towards Hide. The man hands it to Hide and leaves the group entirely.

"You see, even Kai can't stand to be around you!" Man number two exclaims with an excited smirk. "You bring everyone around you down. Get lost you little brat."

The two men leave Hide outside and join Kai back inside the bar. The blond just stands there seething in self-hatred and hatred towards the men. The beer bottle is still clutched in Hide's hand tightly. The human raises the bottle to his lips and sips the pungent smelling liquid in a fast motion. This brand of alcohol doesn't burn Hide's throat like his favorites, but it'll do for the time being.

Hide walks through the night sky. A few lights at windows are still on, but a majority of them are off. Night is when people sleep soundly in their warm beds, watch premiering television shows with others, and surround themselves with things they love. Night is usually associated with partying and astronomy, but Hide used to consider it a time of peace and preparing for the next day. Again, Hide _used_ to. The night is a battle for Hide. The never ending voices scream inside his head to do the unforgivable. They make Hide paint sleeves of scars all over the blond's arms. The voices make Hide always want just one more cigarette. The only way to stop them is by drowning them in copious amounts of alcohol. Drowning out their sounds with more toxins that don't do Hide any better.

' _No wonder he left you!'_

Hide takes a huge gulp from the bottle.

' _He doesn't trust you after all, but can you really blame him?'_

Hide hits the side of his head as if it would rattle the voices around. He isn't completely drunk. He can still comprehend the world around him. He can still feel the things that he's trying to escape from.

' _I mean just look at you! What could you have possibly done to help him?'_

The surroundings began to look familiar to Hide. It hasn't completely clicked where the blond is going. The voices continued on.

' _You're just a human. You are just a weak human that can't help Kaneki through what he's going through. That's why when your "best friend" found other people who are like him, when Kaneki discovered that he can make friends on his own, when your childhood friend realized that you can't help him anymore-'_

"Shut up. Not another word." Hide grits his teeth and runs down the road. Hide tried to run away from himself.

' _He left you without a second thought.'_

"No." Hide whispers with a broken voice.

' _Kaneki abandoned you. After everything you went through to help him, he just up abandons you! Kaneki only used you to survive. He doesn't care if you're lonely! He just cares about himself!'_

Hide is sprinting. He doesn't want to hear anymore.

"Just stop!" Hide screams, not caring if he wakes up the residence.

' _Kaneki isn't coming back for you! You may try to tell yourself that he'll come to your rescue one day, but he's never coming back! And if by some miracle he does, it won't be for you._

Hide is quickly approaching the old playground he and Kaneki went to as kids.

' _Kaneki left you all alone. Kaneki never cared about you. He never trusted you. He lied to you! He is ignoring your texts. He doesn't want to have anything to do with you.'_

"No!" Hide sobs.

' _You've been nothing but a joke. You're better off dead.'_

Hide isn't watching where he's going and tumbles to the ground. The cold, rough road scrapes Hide's skin. The wind is knocked right out of Hide. The blond whimpers and groans out in agony from the pain.

' _He'll never love you.'_

Hide takes a final sip from his bottle. He looks at it with disgust and hatred. The blond's breathing turns almost into hyperventilation as more voices cut into Hide like knives.

' _He'll never love you.'_

Those words make Hide snap. With a scream, Hide throws the bottle against the whale. Shards of glass fly everywhere. Some of the transparent, auburn pieces of glass hit Hide. The blond's body hurt so much. Hide's heart hurt so much. The madness came out in violent spurts of shrieking and hitting something till the human's fists became numb. Hide is too far gone to notice the white haired boy watching the whole scene unfold from the swing sets.

Hide stops screaming and slowly falls too his knees in front of the whale. The glint of a bottle shard catches Hide's eye, and the blond slowly picks up the jagged chunk. It felt sticky from the drying alcohol and dirt. Hide takes in a deep breath as he hovers the sharpest side of the glass over his wrist.

The blond only got three and a half slices before being tackles to the ground by a stranger. Smacks and punches are thrown at Hide. A boy around the same age as Hide is on top of the blond. This mysterious boy has glowing white hair and a ghoul eye. The rest of the boy's face is obscured by a black leathery mask. Great, it doesn't surprise Hide that he'll get eaten by a ghoul. Hide welcomes death with open arms anyways.

Hide closes his eyes and tilts his head back so his neck is more exposed for the ghoul. The hits stop coming, and Hide can feel the ghoul shaking above him.

"Why?" The ghoul whispers in a shaking voice. Hide opens his eyes slowly and is shocked to see the ghoul crying tears of anger and fear at Hide. The knuckles of the ghoul have smudged red on them from the punches. "Why aren't you fighting back?"

"Would it make a difference if I did? I'm no match for a ghoul. I'm a pathetic human after all." Hide gives a small grin. "So just do it. It's not like I have anything to live for!"

At those words, Hide's shirt collar is yanked up by the ghoul.

"What about your family and friends? Don't they mean anything to you?" The ghoul screams.

"At one time, they meant more than my very own life, but my family is gone and so is my best friend. He's all that I had. He's what kept me together, but even he threw me away. So tell me, _ghoul_ , what exactly should I live for?" Hide challenges the ghoul. The white-haired boy brings their faces close. The ghoul's eye boars into Hide's as the ghoul glares.

"You'll live for me, Hide! Live on! Don't do this to yourself!" The ghoul's tears fell on Hide's battered skin. Hide's collar is released and Hide's back slams on the ground. The ghoul is still pinning Hide down by sitting on the blond's stomach.

"Live? For you? Why would I-"Hide's eyes widened when the ghoul's eye became silver and white. The eye is so gentle as it looked down at Hide. "You're…"

"I'm sorry, Hide. I never wanted to leave you alone. I never wanted you to feel how I felt. It hurts me so much to hear you say that I threw you away! Hide, please don't do this anymore!" The ghoul undid his mask, but Hide's hand darted up to feel the leather.

Hide's fingers slowly unzipped the mouth piece and pushed his fingertips inside to brush over the warm lips. The blond's eyes grew wider at the realization of who this was. Hide slides off the ghoul's mask slowly and tears trickle down the sides of his face.

"K-Kaneki?" Hide whispers. Kaneki smiles sadly at his broken friend.

"Yo, Hide." Kaneki replies.

Hide doesn't know how to act. Should he feel mad or upset? Is it okay to be happy and relieved? What's the proper emotion to express right now?

"Y-You…You left me." Hide unconsciously said out loud. "You n-never came back. You ruined my life."

Kaneki flinched at the last statement Hide made. It's Kaneki's fault for causing Hide to end up this way. The ghoul knew how much his best friend cares about him, and yet he never bothered to give Hide a proper reason for leaving. This is one of the reasons why Kaneki came back in the first place. Touka sent word to Kaneki that Hide was in terrible shape. The other reason is that the ghoul was already preparing to come back home. His job is done. Kaneki just wants to live a life again. When Touka told Kaneki about Hide being in trouble, Kaneki came back sooner. The ghoul wouldn't have ever dreamed that his blond friend was _this_ bad.

"Please forgive me, Hide." Kaneki begs as more tears fall from the ghoul's eyes.

Hide cups the side of Kaneki's face softly. The ghoul closes his eyes and leans into the touch. Hide could've sworn he heard Kaneki purring. Hide's sleeve slide down and Hide tries to pull it away before Kaneki could see, but the ghoul was quick to grab Hide's hand back up to his face.

"Forgive yourself too." Kaneki slides the whole sleeve down and takes in the old and new cuts on Hide's arm. "Hide, why?" Kaneki sighs in awe.

"I'm not strong, Kaneki. I don't know why you came back tonight. You probably won't tell me about that either." Kaneki flinched again at the harshness of Hide's tone and words. "But don't try to be a hero. Leave me alone."

Kaneki brushed his lips against the many cuts on Hide's arm. The gestures sent shivers down Hide's spine. Kaneki's other hand is holding down Hide's shoulder with his thumb brushing the blond's collarbone.

"I'm not going to leave you alone again." Kaneki murmurs.

"Liar." Hide accuses.

"I'm not! I'm here for good!" Kaneki explains getting slightly frustrated.

"How do you expect me to believe you? All you ever did was lie to me! You can't trust me! You have your other friends at Anteiku! You don't need me! I'm just garbage! I'm a hopeless cause! I'm worthless! I deserve to die! Kaneki, I deserve to die!" Hide cries his last sentence. The blond covers his face with his hands and sobs. There's no turning back now. "You're a monster, Kaneki! You're evil! You should've died!"

' _I don't mean it, but Kaneki needs to get away from me before I-'_

"I drag everyone down, and I'm no help to you! You've only thought of me as a joke! You never cared about me! You used me so you wouldn't be lonely. You abandoned me! I hate you! Get away from me! Don't talk to me anymore! Don't touch me anymore! Don't look at me anymore! You're a monster!" Hide sobs. His heart is so devastated. Kaneki can see the pain and sorrow all over Hide, and it broke Kaneki's heart.

"Hide, "Kaneki is preparing to explain why he did what he did. Kaneki knew that Hide is just lashing out at the ghoul. Hide would never mean any of this. The blond is just so broken and lost. Behind his words are distress signals. Hide is crying out for Kaneki to save him from himself. When Kaneki saw Hide running into the park, the ghoul knew right then that he'll do whatever it takes to save Hide, not from the ghouls or other people, but from Hide himself. "I-"

"…you." Hide's voice distracts Kaneki's train of thought.

"What?" Kaneki asks. Hide's face is still being covered by Hide's hands, but a faint red is spreading down Hide's neck.

"I said I love you, dammit!" Hide screams. "I love you. I love you. I love you so much, and it hurts! It hurts so much to love you, asshole!"

"Hide…" Kaneki can't help but blush himself. "Hide, let me see your face."

"No." Hide rejects Kaneki.

"Please? I want to speak to you properly." Kaneki feels himself smiling at the shades of red reaching the tips of Hide's ears. Hide doesn't reply. "Okay, fine."

Kaneki slowly lowers his face and rubs his cheek against the backs of Hide's hands. The soft rubs became persistent nuzzling. Eventually, Kaneki nudges Hide's hands up, and they somehow end up covering Kaneki's eyes instead. Kaneki tilts his head and kisses Hide. The kiss lasts for several minutes until Kaneki pulls away. Hide's hands continue to cover the ghoul's eyes and forehead and Kaneki chuckles.

"Since when have you been the shy one?" Kaneki teases with a smile.

"Sh-Shut up!" Hide stutters pushing Kaneki's head back. The blond lets out a genuine laugh for the first time in months.

"Hide." Kaneki says sternly. Hide jolts at Kaneki's voice and removes his hands from the ghoul's face. Hide's heart stops.

Blood is smeared all over Kaneki's face.

"K-Kaneki?" Hide asks. The ghoul didn't seem to notice the endless stream of blood flowing from his mouth and eyes.

"Hide, remember this." Kaneki says.

"What is it, Kaneki?" Hide asks a little hopeful. Kaneki's blood oozes on Hide.

"Not everyone will have a hero that comes in to save the day. Not everything ends happily in this world." Kaneki answers with a sadness in his expression.

"Kaneki, why are you telling me this?" Hide asks.

Kaneki gives Hide one last kiss before he fades away.

Hide wakes up with a gasp. The blond finds himself sprawled out at the park. Hide is lying in the pile of glass shards near the whale. No signs of a ghoul anywhere.

Hide grabs a piece of glass and slashes it across his skin as he lets the dark thoughts overwhelm him. He gives in to his urges.

Drip.

' _ **I don't want to do this anymore.'**_

Drip-drop.

' _ **I don't want to feel anymore.'**_

Splash-drip-drip-drip-drop.

' _ **I'm tired of my arms being itchy but hurt when I scratch them.'**_

Rip-tear-dribble-dribble-splatter.

' _ **I wish I never started this.'**_

' _ **I wish I never met him. I shouldn't have become his friend. He's ruined my life. I can't go back from this, and it's his entire fault.'**_

Shatter-scream-drizzle-trickle-drip-drop

' _ **I'll never forgive him. He's not the guy I knew. He's just a monster wearing my friend's face.'**_

Tremble-tremble-shake-whimper-growl.

' _ **I hope he never comes back. I hope he ends up dead.'**_

Gasp-scream-slice-splash

' _ **No. He's no monster.'**_

Slice-slice-slice-slice-slice-slice-carve.

' _ **I'm the monster. I'm the worst. To wish my best friend dead is such a disgrace. I, myself, deserve to die.'**_

Silence-gasp.

' _ **God, please let me die. Judge me here and now. Crucify me, stone me, or stab me through with the dullest blade.'**_

Carve-carve-carve-howl.

' _ **I'll never come back from this.'**_

Slam.

"You are a liar." Hide mumbles before falling to the ground and giving into the permanent darkness.


End file.
